Loss

It is my intention to raise in this dialogue the topic of loss and grief and how one deals with it in their life. In my previous version of this dialogue, I feel that I did not fully understand my own methods of dealing with loss, and through that lack of understanding I presented an inadequate face to loss. Yes, I had experienced moving to new places, losing old friends, old homes, old familiar places. Yes, I had experienced the deaths of schoolmates, and family. Yes, I had gone through the dissolution of relationships and friendships. My naivete had been replaced with a more jaded view of the world. Since that time, I have gotten married (a loss of individual freedom, in the sense that one makes decisions in part determined by how it impacts one's marriage), I have lost a baby through miscarriage, I have had family move further away, among other things.

What I have come to realize, is that even when a person has experienced one loss, they do not necessarily react to a different loss in the same manner. The kind of initial reactions have varied for me in all these things. How I have coped with my feelings—of loss, sorrow, grief, pity, anger, rage, joy, love— from the time of the loss up to the present moment have varied with each loss I have overcome.

There are general stages of loss that humans tend to go through, and each stage can vary in length, and the order in which we experience them can change patterns. For myself, I have not researched these in depth, because to do so would have made me feel as though I had gone mad. For other people, hard scientific data is of benefit, and if you are that sort of person, I suggest a search on Google or your search engine of choice for material on the stages of grief.

What I can offer from my own experience, which has tended to hold true throughout all of my various losses, is that speaking with another person at some point in the process helps with the process of grieving. Whether it is an online group of people who are going through a similar loss as oneself, or a friend or relative that you can simply talk to. In these times of stress, writing in a journal can be cathartic. I make it a point to write an entry in a special journal every year on the anniversary of our daughter's death—and after doing so I re-read the previous entries. I can see how over time I have dealt with my various emotions and thoughts. Every year that passes is a loosening of the pain of losing her, and a gaining of the freedom to find joy in what memories I do have. I have done this with other things that I've lost, to a lesser extent. The point is to find an outlet, a way in which to express your emotions and work through your loss in a way which works for you.

In time, the time unique to the individual, loss is transmuted into something which no longer burdens our soul.

"Let him go where he will, he can only find so much beauty or worth as he carries." - Emerson