Noli me Tangere / "Touch me not"
John 20: 13-17
"They have taken my Lord away" she replied "and I know not where they have put him."
As she said this she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, though she did not recognize him.
Jesus said, "Woman, why are you weeping? Who are you looking for?"
Supposing him to be the gardener, she said "Sir, if you have taken him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will go and remove him."
Jesus said, "Mary."
She knew him then and said to him in Hebrew, "Rabbuni", which means Master.
Jesus said to her "Do not cling to me, because I have not yet ascended to the Father."
All I long for is to hold on, to touch, to grasp, to be safe in the presence of this person who I thought was dead. But he pulls away.
"Do not cling to me."
For days I have been in turmoil, grieving, crying, tortured, and suddenly, I can see security again. I don't want to have to face these things on my own. I shouldn't have to. I should be able to just reach out and touch and everything will be better.
"Do not cling to me."
Why can't I cling to you? Why should I be teased with a sight of that which I have lost, but not a touch? You are shelter from the storm, but you will not shelter me. Instead, you insist that I return to the storm.
"Do not cling to me."
I just want to stay here forever with you, never feeling anything except you, never holding anything except you, never facing anything without you to face it for me.
"Do not cling to me."
For days I have wept because you have forsaken me. I have cried out, "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani". Why have you forsaken me? And then I saw you standing there, and I thought, no, I have not been forsaken, now I can take shelter once again, I don't have to face life alone.
"Do not cling to me."
And are you only here to tell me that I am wrong? To push me further out from you? To actually pull away from me, to actually confirm that which I had most feared? You do not bring me comfort, only confirmation that you have deserted me, and that I stand alone. Do you have nothing else to say to me?
"Mary."
Is that it? Simply, "Mary"?
"Mary."
I was comforted, when you recognized me, I recognized you and ran to you. But now I see that you did not call my name in order to comfort me, but to condemn me to loneliness. Is that what you mean by "Mary"? You are Mary, and that is all.
"Mary."
Yes, I am Mary. But you are my master; "Rabbuni". What am I without you?
"Mary."
You recognize me, you speak to me. But yet you do not realize how useless I am without you, how pointless my existence is without holding on to you. What can I be without your strength, without your comfort, without your protection? What can I possibly be if I can't cling to you? What am I on my own?
"Mary."